held tight

Explosion.

Have you ever had SO MANY thoughts and everything going through your head and your heart at the same time that you felt like you were going to explode? yeah- wow that happened to me tonight at the end of church and it was during the last set of worship songs. my mind just went CRAZY and i had to sit down and rest my head in my hands because i felt that if i didnt, i was too weak and my head would go in a million pieces right then right there- so many questions, so much stuff, so much of everything- friends, family, next year, right now, decisions, relationships, pressure, school, projects, heart leaps, heart aches, confusion, honesty, love, everything under the sun. I felt like my heart and mind were undergoing a war! i guess a lot of it boils down to uncertainties and insecurities. which i know i shouldnt really be feeling because i know a God who created me and all things and knows all things and He is the only certain thing!
on top of all that, i had a really good friend for about a year and then he kinda "stopped our friendship" for a while and it really hurt my heart and my trust with him. (that happened in november) and tonight, of all nights, he wants to start talking to me again. i just dont know what to think or what to feel...it just adds to all the things going through my mind and heart. my heart seems to get hurt more and more... and maybe that is because i put my whole heart into relationships and maybe that is what gets me in trouble. but a lot of times i cant help it. but maybe i need to keep my heart more alert, and more watchful than i do. (proverbs 4:23) i just dont know
that is the phrase of my life right now, i just dont know.
i want to put my heart out there again- - - but im afraid. i dont want it to be broken again. its like im not going to put my heart out there for that "special someone" until i know for certain his heart is out there too-- whenever he comes my way. and know that he will hold me and reassure me that he will not hurt me- - and love me with the kind of love that God loves. and i dont know what i am trying to say. but so many, too many things are criss crossing in my mind right now. so that was just one of the diagonals of my thoughts- haha feel special haha

one of the only things that i am thankful of right now is that God is certain. .and in all my uncertainties He is my certainty. how refreshing to know that. how comforting. how amazing. how like whoa!

He knows my heart and He knows how to reach me. and He is....stretching out His hand to me, pulling me out of the raging sea...now...all i have to do is grab His hand and never let go, never look back down, and never desire to go back into the raging waters.

that reminds me of a song that i just love. Scott Krippayne "Sometimes He calms the storm":

Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child

THAT IS SO TRUE!

sometimes we expect God to just calm everything in our lives, but really sometimes He just wants to hold us- close to His chest and just reassure us that He has our heart and He is here for us.

So through all these questions and thoughts and everything, I know i am in the arms of my Father and He is holding me tight :)

{embrace the journey}